THE RAPHAEL WHUMPER STRIKES AGAIN
by Alexandereana Blue
Summary: A very sick and twisted Harry Potter/Touched by an Angel crossover. Snape/Raphael NO SLASH!!!


Disclaimer: I own nothing and made nothing. I have nothing so please don't try to sue me! (No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.)  
  
THE RAPHAEL WHUMPER STRIKES AGAIN  
  
A.K.A THE EVIL MARY SUE  
  
Mary Sue-the incredibly beautiful, charming and overall perfect fanfiction writer-sat at her desk staring at her computer screen. She was having serious difficulty writing this new story. She had already used almost every crossover that she could think of and the ones that she hadn't used just didn't seem to fit. Still-like a junky needs a hit-she needed to write another in her long line of stories. You see dear readers, Mary Sue suffers from a serious affliction know commonly as RWA (Raphael Whumping Addiction). It is her one and only flaw. Unfortunately, it also means that she will cause someone serious physical harm if she doesn't find the inspiration that she so desperately needs.  
  
Mary Sue began opening file folders containing pictures of her favorite (and particularly whumpable) angel and looking for the little push that she needed.  
  
"If they hadn't softened him up so much after the first few episodes that he appeared in, I would never be in this mess!" she thought grumpily. "Before that he gave the series an edge! A break from all the mush! But now.. Well, he's just plain whumpable!"  
  
I'm afraid that I need to make a slight correction in my assessment of Mary Sue at this point readers. She has two flaws: RWA and a serious attraction to all things violent and aggressive.  
  
She turned on the her slideshow program and lapsed into deep thought as she was bombarded with images of the compassionate, mournful, or melancholy Raphael (depending on the episode the picture came from).  
  
"Yes." she thought, ".I really must find another way to whump him!"  
  
"Whatcha doing?" a soft familiar voice interrupted Mary Sue's concentration.  
  
"Looking for inspiration," she answered shortly, her eyes never leaving the screen.  
  
"What for?" the voice inquired.  
  
"For a fanfiction that I'm writing," she answered in a slightly annoyed tone. "I seem to be a little stumped."  
  
"Maybe I can help!" the voice said brightly.  
  
Mary Sue broke away from the screen and turned towards the voice. She was very surprised to see a three-inch-tall Raphael standing next to her hand and smiling innocently up at her.  
  
bRaphael: "Gee, thanks for making me sound like a geek! You're worse than the Touched by an Angel writers!"  
  
Author: "Do as you're told, fly boy, or suffer true whumping at it's finest!"  
  
Raphael: "Eeek!"/b  
  
"Yes," smiled Mary Sue evilly, "I think that you're exactly what I need!"  
  
The tiny Raphael paled slightly and looked as though he wished he had never said a word.  
  
bRaphael: "Well, you got that much right!"  
  
Author: "Grrrr!"  
  
Raphael: "Eeek!"/b  
  
"Um.well, see." he stuttered then scowled. "This wouldn't be a Raphael whumping fanfiction, would it?!"  
  
"Oh, no!" Mary Sue lied crossing her fingers under the table. "Nothing like that!"  
  
"Oh, good then!" Raphael smiled again.  
  
bRaphael: "Is she always like this?"  
  
Mary Sue: "No, just when her RWA flares up."  
  
Raphael: "Really?! How interesting!"  
  
Author: "Shut up!"  
  
Raphael and Mary Sue: "Yes, ma'am!"/b  
  
It took a lot of Mary Sues self control to continue smiling and not send the little muse flying across the desk with one flick of her finger. That would be too simple a way (but undeniably satisfying) of whumping the sickening sweet angel.  
  
"Well?" Raphael asked starting to look a little nervous. I dare say you would too if Mary Sue was staring at you the way that she was him. "How do we start?"  
  
"Oh!" gasped Mary Sue realizing that she had fallen silent and was grinning rather viscously at the tiny angel. "Well, first we need to find someone to pair you with.."  
  
Raphael promptly began listing the names of every angel that had ever appeared on Touched by an Angel and the admirable qualities of each one. None of which would be suitable for what Mary Sue intended to do, but she let him carry on as she thought of whom else might work. Soon he finished the list and began to list people and characters that he would like to be paired with (none of whom were any more suitable than the first list), and was getting very excited about the prospects. Unfortunately, the more excited Raphael became the higher pitched his voice got. Soon it was an ear- splitting shriek that was making Mary Sue's teeth hurt.  
  
bMary Sue: "Make him stop or I AM going to hurt him!"  
  
Raphael: "Blame the author! She told me to do it!"  
  
Author: "Grrr!"  
  
Raphael and Mary Sue: "Eeek!"/b  
  
"What this story needs," Mary Sue thought, "is someone who can subdue this hyperactive runt with a whisper.then whump him beyond recognition! This story really needs.Snape!"  
  
Just then-like a demon summoned from the pit-a four inch tall Severus Snape marched out from behind the computer monitor and glared at the over- enthusiastic Raphael.  
  
bSnape: "Demon from the pit?! I really must talk with Ms. Rowling about my public image!"  
  
Author: "Just go with it Sev!"/b  
  
"Would someone please tell me what all this noise is about?" Snape growled.  
  
"Oh!" exclaimed Raphael turning to see the rather intimidating character beside him. "Hello."  
  
"Snapey-poo!" cooed Mary Sue batting her eyelashes at the four-inch wizard.  
  
bMary Sue: "Gross!"  
  
Author: "Mary Sue.."  
  
Mary Sue: Sorry!"/b  
  
"Darling," Snape said through barred teeth and rolled his eyes, "how many times have I asked you not to call me that in front of others?"  
  
"Oh sorry!" Mary Sue snapped out of her trance and introduces the two men. "Raphael this is Professor Severus Snape of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Professor this is Raphael-angel of heaven and messenger of God."  
  
"Indeed."growled the professor as he raised an eyebrow at the angel with the silly smile. If Raphael had more brains in his head he may have realized that Snape was sizing up his competition.  
  
bRaphael: "Now that's just plain rude!"  
  
Author: "Raphael."  
  
Raphael: "Sorry!"/b  
  
"I'm helping her come up with ideas for her new fanfiction story!" Raphael smiled sounding very much like a five-year-old getting to help his father with the car.  
  
bRaphael opens his mouth to say something but shuts it quickly when the author glares at him./b  
  
"Yes!" giggled Mary Sue. "I think that I've got everything that I need for now. But if you would like to stick around you can. I may need you again later. You can play with that game over there if you would like to while I work."  
  
Mary Sue pointed to a pathetic looking slide puzzle sitting on the desk. Raphael immediately went over and began pushing the pieces around, and seemed quite happy with it.  
  
"You can stick around too, if you would like," she whispered to Snape. "You'll be in this story as well."  
  
Snape nodded and made himself comfortable sitting at the top of the keyboard, where he could easily see the screen and was off the keys. Mary Sue began writing and a cruel sneer crossed the wizard's face as he realized the part he would be playing in this story. Occasionally, he stopped Mary Sue long enough to whisper punishments that he would normally reserve for Harry Potter to the writer. Soon, the story was nearly finished and Snape was chuckling at the sheer cruelty his character inflicted on the hapless angel.  
  
bRaphael: "I really don't like this. I want to go home now."  
  
Author: "Tough!"/b  
  
Raphael realized that something was up at this point and decided to come over to investigate. His eyes grew wide as gazed at the screen and realized that this was indeed another Raphael whumping story.  
  
"Hey!" he shouted. "I thought that you said that this wasn't another Raphael whumping fanfiction!"  
  
"No?" Mary Sue said calmly, trying her best to look innocent. "I thought I had mentioned that."  
  
"No, you didn't!" Raphael snapped. "If you had I would have left immediately!"  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry," Mary Sue lied. Being nearly perfect she was able to make it sound absolutely convincing. "I was just going in the direction that my inspiration took me."  
  
"It wasn't nice." Raphael was loosing ground to this woman and he knew it.  
  
Mary Sue's eyes filled with tears and her bottom lip trembled. To the onlooker (and Raphael), it looked as though Mary Sue was about to have a complete breakdown and sob herself into oblivion. In reality (or Snape's more accurate perception), Mary Sue was fighting to keep a straight face and not fall over laughing. Since she could not keep her emotions under control, she had to make them appear to be something else.  
  
bRaphael: "Hold on a second! How come you can tell what she's really thinking?"  
  
Snape: "I teach students between the ages of 11 and 18. Does that answer you question?"  
  
Raphael: "Oh, I see. Let's carry on then!"  
  
Author: "Thank you!"/b  
  
Raphael fell for it hook, line and sinker.  
  
"I'm so sorry, my darling little angel!" Mary Sue sniffed. "I can only do so much with what little talent I have! Without the inspiration that you and the professor and all of my other muses give me, I would never be able to write anything!"  
  
Mary Sue went on babbling about how much writing meant to her and how much she loved her muses and many other unimportant things that have no baring on this story.  
  
bSnape, Raphael, and Mary Sue: "Get on with it already!"/b  
  
Raphael-being the naïve fool that he is-believed every word of it and even tried to console her. Finally, Mary Sue quieted down enough that Raphael could be heard.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Mary Sue," Raphael apologized as he patted her arm. "I really didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Please forgive me."  
  
Mary Sue gave him a strained smile and nodded her head in consent.  
  
Snape-who had been watching all of this in mild amusement-took this opportunity to speak.  
  
"I think that you can go now, Raphael," he said gruffly. "You have been forgiven and I'm sure that Mary Sue would like to rest now and collect her thoughts. The story is finished and she won't be needing you for a while. Besides, I'm sure that God needs you."  
  
"Oh yes!" Raphael brightened at the mention of his creator. He turned to Mary Sue and asked, "Are you going to be OK now?"  
  
Mary Sue nodded and reached for a tissue. She gave the angel a slightly warmer smile than her previous and the Raphael bounced away laughing and waving to everyone and everything (including the slide puzzle he had been playing with earlier and a beanie baby).  
  
bRaphael: "Yay! I'm free! I'm free from the evil author!"/b  
  
After he was gone, Snape turned to our beloved writer.  
  
"You laid that on rather think, didn't you?" he asked.  
  
"Oh, shut up, Snapey-poo!" Mary Sue giggled. "It worked didn't?!"  
  
bMary Sue: "Wow! You made it through that whole story without actually doing physical harm to Raphael!"  
  
Author: "So I did! The meetings must be working!"  
  
Raphael: "Congratulations!"  
  
The Author picks up a pan and knocks Raphael unconscious.  
  
Author: "Oh yeah! That's the stuff!"  
  
Mary Sue: "I guess I spoke too soon.."  
  
Author: "Just a little!"/b 


End file.
